The Blog of Timicism

Ten Commandments for Atheists

2011-11-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Comedian/magician Penn Jillette has come up with 10 Commandments for Atheists. Although Timicism is not strictly an atheist religion, I'd like to include his commandments in the Timicist cannon, because they are something I can get behind.

Jillette's list:

1. The highest ideals are human intelligence, creativity and love. Respect these above all.

2. Do not put things or even ideas above other human beings. (Let's scream at each other about Kindle versus iPad, solar versus nuclear, Republican versus Libertarian, Garth Brooks versus Sun Ra— but when your house is on fire, I'll be there to help.)

3. Say what you mean, even when talking to yourself. (What used to be an oath to (G)od is now quite simply respecting yourself.)

4. Put aside some time to rest and think. (If you're religious, that might be the Sabbath; if you're a Vegas magician, that'll be the day with the lowest grosses.)

5. Be there for your family. Love your parents, your partner, and your children. (Love is deeper than honor, and parents matter, but so do spouse and children.)

6. Respect and protect all human life. (Many believe that "Thou shalt not kill" only refers to people in the same tribe. I say it's all human life.)

7. Keep your promises. (If you can't be sexually exclusive to your spouse, don't make that deal.)

8. Don't steal. (This includes magic tricks and jokes — you know who you are!)

9. Don't lie. (You know, unless you're doing magic tricks and it's part of your job. Does that make it OK for politicians, too?)

10. Don't waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it'll make you bugnutty.

Religion Analogy

2011-09-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

I love a religion analogy that is phallic, funny, and follows the spirit of Timicism.

New Theories of Death

2011-07-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

As a Timicist, I am fascinated with ideas of death. I mostly believe that it's a big dirt nap, but I've just read a book about lots of different theories and I'd like to add it to the Timicist cannon.

Sum: Forty Tales From the Afterlives by David Eagleman is a small thing, a short read that I could probably have finished off in one sitting if I were so inspired. It's a fascinating idea: 40 different theories on what happens to you when you die.

Unfortunately, the idea is more interesting than the content. It does have some fascinating, mind-blowing ideas, but on the whole the book is mostly disappointing. Maybe that's what the afterlife is really like: you get all excited about the idea of it, but then it's anticlimactic.

The title passage, "Sum", posits that in death we re-live all the moments of our life, but they are bunched together by activity. Therefore, we sleep for 30 years and spend six days clipping our nails. Seven months of non-stop sex. One year reading books. Twenty-seven intense hours of pain: broken bones, accidents, cuts, etc. Three weeks realizing you're wrong. You get the picture. Everything is clumped together.

Although the statistics would be interesting, it's kind of a stupid idea. As I was reading it, I protested, "But you can't just take all of these moments out of context like that." Relaxing on the couch after a long strenuous day is different from sitting on it for months at a time. But that is his point. He ends this story with the moral that we are fortunate that life is broken up into "tiny swallowable pieces." Like so many other theories in the book, it seems to point more to life than to death.

Almost every theory in the book points to one conclusion: when you die, you find out what the true nature of life and the universe is. (Which happens to be what I always hoped the afterlife would be like.) It's only that true nature that changes from story to story. There's also a very heavy Western bias in all the theories. They're mostly all about the Judeo-Christian God-- some anthropomorphized deity-- living in heaven. I had kind of hoped that the theories would be a little more out there.

The writing isn't that great, and a lot of the examples or conclusions he comes to don't make sense to me. He might have an interesting idea, but the implementation feels all wrong. For example, there's a theory about how you are represented in the afterlife by yourself at every age, so that your 5-year-old self might hang out with your 34-year-old self and your 67-year-old self. Neat idea, but then he goes on to say that many of your different selves realize they have hardly anything in common other than a name. Huh? Surely sharing the same life history and experiences counts for a strong bond, even if it's a teenager and an elderly version of yourself?

Still, as an idea book, it gets the job done. Some of his ideas are very similar to ideas I've had, and some are completely new to me. Those new and old ideas mingled and brought up new theories.

For example, as I was reading the book, I had this revelation that maybe I have already died dozens of times, but the superior being who is playing the "Game of Tim" keeps going back to an earlier saved version of the game and reviving me. I do this when I play computer games if I make a stupid fatal mistake. I go back and try again. Maybe that's what my life is like. That could explain why I'm convinced that things will work out in the end. Any fatal mistakes can be fixed by going back to an earlier saved version.

The book is a short read that can get your creative juices flowing, so I recommend it.

Shrinking Jinxes

2011-03-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been rethinking my attitude toward jinxes.

Traditionally, jinxes have been an acknowledged superstition of Timicism. As it says in the Book of Timicism 3.0:

Jinxes: If you want to insure that something will never happen, think and talk about it a lot. If there's something you really want, just spend all your time obsessing about it; it will surely never come true. Whatever scenario you act out in your head for any given situation, the reality will always be different. If you plan for something, it won't happen, or not like you planned it. This goes for positive and negative scenarios. If your overactive imagination plans for the worst-case scenario, it won't happen, either. Misfortune, just like fortune, sneaks up on you.

I've always had a superstitious imagination. If I imagined something good happening (motivational gurus call this "visualization"), then I was convinced it would never happen. I would be jinxing it, and then I'd feel like a fool for ever thinking it was possible. And even if it did happen, it would never look like it did in my imagination, so it would be a disappointment.

My solution to this was to try as hard as I could to NOT think about possibilities. If there was something I really wanted (which almost always involved getting with a girl I was crushing on) I would do everything I could to NOT visualize it. Because if I visualized it, I believed I guaranteed its failure.

The Timicist position was to keep your expectations low and you won't get disappointed. That way, you're not crushed when the thing you really want doesn't happen.

I was trying to tell a friend about this recently, and she didn't understand my reasoning. Why not visualize good things? What's the worst that will happen if they don't come true? Why keep yourself from thinking good thoughts? And at least you have the good feelings that come with the visualization, even if it never comes true.

Per usual, I was defiant and kept trying to argue my position. But she planted the seed of an idea in me, and after much thinking, I realized she had a point. Why was I so afraid to imagine good things? Has this strategy actually kept me from getting disappointed?

The thing is, the "jinx" superstition doesn't even hold up to analysis. I can think of two significant times in my life where I imagined something wonderful happening, and it DID happen. And it didn't lead to a disappointment once it turned into reality. It was actually the opposite: the fantasy enhanced the reality. Because the reality is never exactly like the fantasy, so it's amazing and wonderful to see how it plays out in real life. Real things are 100 times better than fantasies, merely by the fact that they're real. Fantasies can't touch them.

It doesn't make sense to say visualizing things jinxes them, except when they don't.

So I'm officially revising theTimicist position on jinxes. Go ahead and let your imagination run wild. Even if you're a fool for getting ahead of yourself, it's better to be a fool with happy fantasies than a one who lets fear of a superstition rule his life.

Luxuriate in all the possibilities. When something you might have "jinxed" does indeed happen, it will be way better and more surprising than anything you can fantasize about.

Of course, as with everything, balance is key. Don't spend your whole life in fantasy, and don't make huge decisions based on empty hope, but also don't let fear prevent you from thinking of all the wonderful possibilities life offers.

Timicist Funerals

2010-10-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a Christian funeral. The beginning was a little slow, but I did like the reading of the Bible passage from Ecclesiastes about there being a time for everything: "A time to be born and a time to die... a time to kill and a time to heal... a time to weep and a time to laugh... a time to love and a time to hate..." (You may have heard these quotes in the famous Byrd's song, "Turn, Turn, Turn.") It's one of the few parts of the Bible that really impresses me, and it speaks to the Timicist bonus principle of balance.

The most powerful part of the funeral was when people volunteered to get up and share memories and remembrances of the deceased. His children, sister, nephews, grandchildren, and friends all had touching stories to tell. There were many tears and a few laughs. I shed a few sympathetic tears of my own, even though I was not personally close to him. (Hey, I'm a Timicist, not a monster.)

I was still basking in the emotion of these testimonials, the tears drying on my cheeks, when the third minister of the service got up to speak. By now it was 2 pm, the funeral was already an hour long, and due to a promised lunch after the service, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. The third preacher apparently had something to prove over the first two, so he spent the next half hour going on and on about Jesus and the Lord and sheep and even reread some of the Bible passages the first two preachers had read, in case we had forgot them in the past hour. What was conspicuously absent from his ramblings, however, was anything about the man in the casket.

This was merely annoying, but when he started using this man's death as an opportunity to threaten me with hell fire, I was offended and completely turned off. Who the fuck does he think he is, telling us who is or isn't going to heaven based on his very narrow understanding of God? And using a captive audience to do so? I'm here trying to honor this man's life, and I have to endure an infomercial for Jesus? And, I'm fucking starving!!!

Look, I understand that for Christians who believe in heaven, it is a comfort for their loved ones to believe that their dear departed is in a better place. What I object to is using that as a springboard to telling the rest of us we won't be in a better place if we don't accept Jesus into our hearts. Because if there's one thing Mr. Smug Preacher made absolutely clear, it's that there is only one path to salvation, and it has nothing to do with good works or living like Jesus or loving God or loving your fellow human. Nope, only one thing does it, and that's accepting Jesus as God's son.

I've ranted elsewhere about why this is an absurd premise, but during the funeral I thought about the unmitigated tackiness and arrogance it takes presume you have all the answers. And to discount the worth of billions of Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, secular humanists, and followers of hundreds of other religious traditions. And to take advantage of the captive audience to advance your agenda.

I also understand that this was the view of the man in the casket, and he would have wanted his death to serve as an occasion to spread the word. If even one person is drawn to Jesus from this occasion, then it was worth it. Well, what about all the people like me, who are turned off by such a display and vow to never, ever follow Jesus as long as assholes like this preacher speak for him? You could be turning away just as many people as you're helping.

You know what? When I die, I want to force everyone to sit through a two-hour lecture on logic and the scientific method.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Which brings me to my real point. Attending this funeral also got me to thinking about what a Timicist funeral would look like. So let me take this opportunity to put in writing, for my loved ones, the way(s) I would like to be honored when I die.

First of all, I want my body to be harvested for as many organs as possible. As John Prine sings, "Please don't bury me/ down in that cold, cold ground/ I'm gonna have 'em cut me up/ and pass me all around..." If my death can serve to help others, I'd rather give something concrete, like a lung, rather than scaring them into following my imaginary heroes.

Whatever's left of my body should be cremated, so as to leave the smallest possible imprint on the Earth. Actually, what I'd really like to do is be cut up and fed to chickens. Since I've eaten so much chicken in my life, it only seems fair to give back. From chicken to chicken, or something like that. Assuming Timmeat would be good for chickens.

The chickens should be free range, of course

I also wouldn't mind being composted and used to fertilize something-- a tree or flowers or phallic-shaped vegetables. But I don't know if any of that would be legal, so cremation is probably the most practical way to go. As for where to scatter my ashes, I don't have a specific place. I like mountains and scenery & stuff, so maybe some place with a nice view.

I'd like there to be a lot of crying at my funeral. Like, serious wailing and gnashing of teeth. If any of my exes want to sob in anguish and throw themselves on my urn, I wouldn't object to that. But I'd also welcome laughter. Not the dancing-on-your-grave kind of laughter, but the remembering-funny-things-I-said/did kind.

Readings from any of the following authors would be appropriate: David Sedaris, Dan Savage, Bill Bryson, John Irving, Kurt Vonnegut, Nick Hornby. There could even be a reading of some of my writing. Hey, I'll be dead, I'm allowed to have an ego. But please, dear god, none of my poetry from high school.

As for music, of course John Prine's "Please Don't Bury Me" should be there. Jimmy Buffett's "I Have Found Me a Home" and "Happily Ever After (Every Now and Then.)" Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" and "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go." Barenaked Ladies' "This Is Where It Ends" and "If I Had $1000000." I'd also like They Might Be Giants' "Particle Man," but only if I die before my brother Dan, who also wants this song at his funeral.

Absolutely no one will be lectured at my funeral about how to live their life.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

The problem with being a corpsezilla and trying to plan your own funeral is that is it the ultimate reliquishment of control. I won't be there to make sure all goes as planned. For the control freak, his funeral is a final, unwilling act of letting go. So do whatever you want. I've said my peace, and when the time comes, I hope I can go rest in it.

Atheist Fight!

2010-09-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have an uncomfortable relationship with atheists.

On the one hand, I essentially live my life as an atheist. That is, I don't let the possible existence of a higher power influence my thinking as I go about my life. I believe in science and reason and think that religion has done a lot of bad things to hold them back.

On the other hand, I wish so many of the atheists I knew weren't complete assholes about it.

I recently got into an argument on Facebook with an atheist friend of mine. He's what I like to call a fundamentalist atheist, because he's just as obnoxious about his religious views as the most annoying closed-minded Christians.

It all started when he said Martin Luther King "made a career perpetuating the biggest prank in history." To be fair, he did add that King was a "force for good" despite this. But he still thinks that because MLK was a minister and believed in god, his career was a joke.

I objected. Although I know that religion can be illogical and harmful at times, I'm also able to recognize that sometimes it can be a force for good. So many people I know (or know of) who dedicate their life to helping others-- who really make the world a better place-- do it out of a sense of obligation to their spiritual beliefs. I don't think you can discount that power.

But my friend does. According to him, religion is "a force for evil in this world, it has caused death and hardship beyond any other cause. Any good done in the 'name' of religion is actually done in spite of the evil that is religion."

Wow. That is scary extreme. Replace the word religion in that statement with, say, homosexuality or Judaism or Harry Potter... and what does it sound like?

I don't believe that religion is some external evil that has been forced on human kind any more than war or xenophobia or eating meat has been forced on us. Religion is part of who we are. Scientists have discovered the part of the brain involved with spiritual experiences ("feeling god"), just like there are parts of the brain for music or language. It's hard-wired into us. I'm happy that our culture continues to move toward a more rational explanation of how the world works, but anyone who thinks that religion has NEVER EVER EVER inspired a single person to treat someone else more humanely-- well, they're just being willfully obstinate toward the observable facts. It almost feels like my atheist friend wants to deny that religion exists at all.

Yes, religion is often irrational, but so is human behavior. The annoying thing about some atheists is the smugness with which they dismiss the human experience, without acknowledging that they themselves also have irrational beliefs and behaviors. No human is completely logical.

Fundamentalist atheists, just like fundamentalist believers, like to set up strawman arguments that all religious people have (or should have) the exact same beliefs.

I believe it's not an all or nothing thing, there's a spectrum of ways to believe, from literal to metaphorical, that many hardcore atheists ignore.

So it's disturbing to me that, although I agree with my atheist friend on the nature of god, we disagree radically on the nature of religion.

The Klugey Commandments

2010-06-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

Timicism has a new Bible.

Well, sort of. The whole concept of a Bible is antithetical to Timicism, since no one book, person, or source can be the ultimate authority. But if Timicism had a Bible, its current incarnation would be a book written by Psychology professor Gary Marcus titled Kluge: The Haphazard Construction of the Human Mind.

I won't say that this book changed my life so much as it confirmed it. It confirmed many of the ideas and theories I already had about human behavior and the nature of the universe. (Fittingly, "confirmation bias" is one of the the forces at work in our brains that the book reaffirms.)

Citing study after study after study after study, Marcus shows how people make decisions based on irrelevant factors. We are not necessarily rational, even when we are deliberative. He chalks this up to the klugey way that our brains evolved. "We are just not born to reason in balanced ways," he writes.

There is way too much good stuff in the book to process out here on my blog, so I will just present Marcus' 13 "suggestions" to deal with our imperfect brains. Many of these suggestions correspond with my own Timicist principles. I'll call them my 13 Kluge Commandments-- with the caveat that they're not really commandments-- because I like the reference to that other religion and the [K]-sound alliteration.

The 13 Kluge Commandments (excerpted directly from Kluge, pgs. 165-172.)

Whenever possible, consider alternative hypotheses.
Reframe the question.
Always remember that correlation does not entail causation.
Never forget the size of your sample.
Anticipate your own impulsivity and pre-commit.
Don't just set goals. Make contingency plans.
Whenever possible, don't make important decisions when you are tired or have other things on your mind. [This one deserves an asterisk.]
Always weigh benefits against costs.
Imagine that your decisions may be spot-checked.
Distance yourself.
Beware the vivid, the personal, and the anecdotal.
Pick your spots.
Try to be rational.

For copyright reasons, I don't want to quote more than this from Marcus' book. But each of these points make a lot more sense after you've read it. I encourage any Timicists out there to buy, or at least read, the new Timicist "bible."

Things That Are Doing It

2010-05-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this completely juvenile post with the following insight: Human beings are pattern-seeking animals. Organizing non-identical shapes into patterns and symbols helps us to speak, understand, read, and write. It helped our ancestors to identify dangers in the wild.

This propensity for pattern-seeking has some interesting side effects, though, like when we see a family of ducklings in a cloud or a pineapple in a Rorschach test. Some times it gets downright wacky, and people who think about Jesus all day become convinced they've seen him in a pancake.

With that in mind, here's a website I stumbled upon recently: Things That Are Doing It.

The site has all kinds of fun pictures that, if you are a 12-year-old boy like me, you think are dirty. Some of them are not in any way intended to be dirty, but if you have "doing it" on the brain, you start seeing it everywhere. Like, for example, this Russian graph:

Oh, yeah, that blue line totally wants it bad.

There are a whole lot of pics of everyday things that resemble naughty bits:

Some of them are obviously designed to be dirty:

And some of them, it's just puzzling what the hell they were intended to be:

My favorites are the unintentionally inappropriate ones:

And my very favorite one of all? Jesus "enlightens" the little children:

It's really hard to fathom how the designer of this light switch could have been so naive. I have to believe it was someone so blissfully awash in thoughts of The Lord that they couldn't conceive of Jesus even having a penis, much less sharing it with the beautiful children. Someone who lived in a world far, far removed from priest molestation scandals, or things that do it in public.

Yay, Evolution

2010-05-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

The official Timicist position on evolution can be read at the Timblog here: http://tim4814.blogspot.com/2010/04/yay-evolution.html.

April Honest Day

2010-04-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

New Timicist Holiday:

April 5: April Honest Day

In response to that other April holiday where people take great joy in lying to, and making fools of, the people they love, this is a holiday dedicated to NOT making up stupid shit.

On this day you are encouraged to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

For more background on this holiday, see this Timblog post.

New Proverb

2009-11-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

A new Timicist proverb that I read on a pencil at the UU church:

Unanswered questions are far less dangerous than unquestioned answers.

John Shelby Spong: Honorary Timicist

2009-11-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Through my connections to the Unitarian wing of the Timicist movement (or vice-versa, it's really a chicken-and-egg thing), I discovered a brilliant essay by John Shelby Spong, an Episcopal bishop.

"Spong" is much more than just an awesome last name. His essay masterfully puts homophobia in its place, equating it with all the other misguided ways people have used the Bible to oppress minorities throughout our history.

Some excerpts:

I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone...

I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery...

The battle is over. The victory has been won. There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be. Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us. Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church...

I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection....

Full text here. I highly recommend it.

Timicism would like to go on record as saying, "hell yeah, you go, Spong!"

Every word of this manifesto fits with Timicism. For his dedication to truth, fairness, harmlessness, and love, I would like to extend an honorary Timicist title (of his choosing) to John Shelby Spong.

Might I recommend the "Sponginator?"

The Timicist Unitarian

2009-10-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

So I spent all this time devising and crafting Timicism 3.0, and I come to find out it already exists.

It turns out that Timicism is just a brand of Unitarian Universalism (UU). We're not identical on all the the specifics, but the basic gist of both is the same: find your own path, respect others, borrow from all the religions, use reason and science.

I wonder if they'd be willing to merge with me? TUU: Timicism Unitarian Universalist? UTU? UUT?

I suppose the T should go last, since I was the last to join the party. I'm all about humility and fairness, after all.

Timicist Buzzwords

2009-10-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

Paring down all my beliefs into five words (Self, Fairness, Humor, Harmlessness, Love) was a difficult task. And I'll admit that the five words themselves don't do the best job of capturing their corresponding tenet. I believe in the tenets, I'm just not sure they are all labeled correctly.

So here is the expanded list of buzzwords that represent Timicism:

Truth
Think
Self
Fairness
Skepticism
Question
Logic
Consistency
Accuracy
Humility
Humor
Laugh
Harmlessness
Love
Touch
Sex
Balance

These are the ingredients that make up the Timicist word soup.

Brainless Christian Pumpkins

2009-10-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

A devout Christian in my family sent me the following email:

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From one pumpkin to another!!!!!!!

A woman was asked by a coworker,
'What is it like to be a Christian?'

The coworker replied, 'It is like being a pumpkin.' God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you.
Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see.'

This was passed on to me by another pumpkin.
Now it's your turn to pass it to other pumpkins.

I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

So God will open up your head, scoop out your brains, and carve a permanent smile on your face? To a thinking person, that's not a selling point. I'm half wondering if this wasn't intended to be satire, with the message being: In order to believe in God, you have to have a lobotomy.

This just proves that some Christians will use any image, no matter how horrifying or inappropriate, to talk about God.

Book of Timicism 3.0

2009-09-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

The Humble Little Book of Timicism

Version 3.0

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: What is Timicism?

Chapter 2: The Five Tenets

Chapter 3: Metaphysics

Chapter 4: Borrowings

Chapter 5: Vs. Christianity

Chapter 6: Holidays

Chapter 7: Proverbs

What Is Timicism?

2009-09-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

Timicism is whatever you want it to be. It's:

A religion
A philosophy
A metaphysical, moral and theological framework on which to base your life.
What I, Tim, am all about
A goofy blog
A elaborate grab for attention

Timicism is all of those things and more. But I'll just refer to it as my religion, with the understanding that it may or may not fit your definition of one.

Timicism is not about the worship of Tim. By starting my own religion, I don't profess to be any kind of god or deity or even a prophet. I'm just some guy who has never been inspired by any of the current religions available, so I decided I might as well custom-build my own.

Timicism does not make you buy the whole cow. Timicism does not ask you to make any commitment, vow, or pledge. You can take as much or as little from it as you want. If you only find one thing about Timicism that you like, you're welcome to use it and discard the rest. (Although this may void your warranty.) Also, Timicism allows the religious equivalent of dual citizenship. You can be a Timicist and still practice another religion.

Timicism is not for everyone. Lots of people look to a religion for answers and guidance. They seek direction on what to believe and how to behave. Timicism does not provide a lot of the answers that traditional religions do. It asks more questions than it answers. Also, I don't believe that the world would necessarily be a better place if everyone were a Timicist. Sure, there would be less violence and more love, and people would laugh more and not take themselves so seriously, but at the same time I think we'd get a lot less done. It takes all kinds of people to make the world work, and the Timicist fills one niche.

Timicism is a work in progress. I have spent years reading about, discussing, debating, and contemplating theology, morality, philosophy and human nature to arrive at the current state of Timicism. But these writings are by no means a finished product. Just like a language, which either changes or dies, Timicism will continue to develop as long as the world changes around me and I continue to read, discuss, debate and contemplate.

Timicism is made up of Five Basic Principles:

Self
Fairness
Humor
Harmlessness
Love

And one bonus principle:

Balance

To read more about these Five Principles and the Five Basic Tenets that go along with them, see The Five Tenets of Timicism.

The Five Tenets

2009-09-15T06:03:00.000-07:00

The Basic Tenets of Timicism are each loosely based on Five Basic Principles:

Self
Fairness
Humor
Harmlessness
Love

And one Bonus Principle: Balance, which holds each of these principles together.

The Five (+1) Tenets

Be an individual. Think for yourself. Don't blindly follow any person, group, doctrine or book. Question everything that doesn't make sense and come to your own conclusions.

Be fair. Always apply consistent logic in your search for truth and in your interactions with others. Acknowledge and understand your biases.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Be humble. Learn to laugh at yourself and the absurdity of this world.

Be harmless. In your interaction with the world around you, leave people and things in at least as good of shape as when you found them.

Choose love and its many physical manifestations, including cuddling, hugging, stroking, petting, snuggling, nuzzling, touching and rubbing.

(Bonus) Stay balanced. Live your life in moderation and don't indulge one principle at the expense of others.

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The Five Tenets (+1) Explained

Although the tenets are numbered, they are not ranked. They each carry equal weight like spokes on a wheel. And they also work to hold each other in check, like the U.S. government system of checks and balances. For example, although one tenet extols the beauty of sex, you would not want to violate the principle of harmlessness by pleasing yourself at someone else's expense (i.e. infidelity, dishonesty, coercion, etc.)

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The Truth Tenets

The first two tenets of Timicism, Self and Fairness, make up a sub-category known as the Truth Tenets. Both emphasize the importance of truth, and using skepticism, consistency, and logic to arrive at conclusions. They don't tell the Timicist what to believe, but rather, what process he uses to determine those beliefs.

Self

Be an individual. Think for yourself. Don't blindly follow any person, group, doctrine or book. Question everything that doesn't make sense and come to your own conclusions.

There is no middleman between the Timicist and his beliefs. He consults many people and books in his quest for understanding, but he does not accept any external source as the one ultimate authority. Although one source might have a lot of good things to say, that does not make it infallible on every issue. Question everything you hear and come to your own conclusions based on a consistent world view.

Each Timicist custom builds his or her own beliefs.

An important part of this tenet is to acknowledge that nothing is static. Everything is in a constant state of change, and therefore ideas and principles may become obsolete or even dangerous based on changing circumstances. The Timicist is constantly examining and, if need be, revising his conclusions based on these changing circumstances or new evidence. In Timicism, you never convince someone with the argument that "it's always been that way."

NOTE: It is important to keep in mind that the "self" emphasized in the first principle (and corresponding tenet) of Timicism is only to be thought of as opposing a dogmatic or herd mentality. "Self" should not be misinterpreted as the "ego" which holds itself above (or in opposition to) the world around it. The third and fourth tenets of Timicism serve to mitigate this kind of thinking.

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Fairness

Be fair. Always apply consistent logic in your search for truth and in your interactions with others. Acknowledge and understand your biases.

Don't believe everything you hear simply because you want it to be true. Skepticism is an important part of this tenet. Whenever you hear a fact, statistic, or "true" account of events, ask yourself: who is telling me this piece of information, and what do they have to gain by my believing it? And on a more subconscious level, what do they have to gain by their believing it? Aside from outright lying, every "fact" you've ever heard in your life has been through some kind of filter, a filter of how some person, group, or culture sees the world. The important thing here to the Timicist is to always question what you hear and consider alternate explanations.
In this quest for truth, the Timicist acknowledges the importance of fairness; of looking at every person and situation from all sides and applying consistent rules across the board. We can never arrive at any semblance of truth if we are favoring one side over the other and applying double standards. Of course, it is human nature to do just that, and so the next best thing you can do, as you strive for fairness, is to acknowledge your biases and fight against them. Think about the filter through which you see the world. In order to get to the truth, we often have to put our personal feelings of what we want to be true aside, and consider all possibilities, no matter how unpleasant they might be. The Timicist, though skeptic, is not closed-minded.

This tenet has been (partially) inspired by my long and fascinating study of urban legends at Snopes.

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Humor

Don't take yourself too seriously. Be humble. Learn to laugh at yourself and the absurdity of this world. You are just as important, but no more, than everyone else.

A lot of the pain and suffering in this world has been caused by people who have taken themselves way too seriously. People in positions of authority who thought they were way too important and deserved more respect than the rest of us. To prove it, they made life hell for everyone else.

But suffering is not only the result of assholes in power taking themselves too seriously. Our inability to laugh at ourselves and the world around can limit us. Similar to Buddhism, Timicism believes that we cause our own pain and suffering when we are too attached to our own ego.

Part of not taking yourself (and your world) too seriously is to see the absurdity all around you. I've heard the world described as tragic to those who feel and absurd to those who think. The Timicist is a thinker, and he sees the absurdity all around him. And he tries to laugh at it.

Laughter is a big part of Timicism. The Timicist values humor and is always looking for situations where it can be used.

This is not to say that the Timicist should never take anything seriously. And laughter, although mostly good, is not always appropriate. Laughter that harms or belittles others can violate the tenet of Harmlessness (see below). When you're not in someone's presence, belittling them is fine, just as long as the Timicist realizes his own humility and gives himself equal portions of belittlement. 'Cause when you consider the entirety of everything, each of us is mighty little.

If you would like some practice in giving funny (but equal) belittlement to everyone, a good start is The Onion.

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Harmlessness

Be harmless. In your interaction with the world around you, leave people and things in at least as good of shape as when you found them.

The main moral tenet of Timicism is to be harmless. If you think of your contributions to this world as a bank account, you never want to be in debt. Do no harm, and if you do, try to make it right.

Think of this tenet as following the campsite rule, where you should leave people & things in better shape than how you found them.

Being harmless can be hard work. By merely going about your day, taking up space, your actions will affect other people and things. An important part of this tenet is to think about how your actions affect the world around you. Frequently we don't even realize it when we are causing harm. Self-reflection is key. If you see harm being done, either in your own experiences or in the world at large, ask yourself: what could I possibly be doing to contribute to this?

Part of being harmless is not interfering with others' rights to live as they choose, as long as they do it harmlessly.

At this point, we need to discuss what we mean by "harm." A simplistic approach would be The Golden Rule, which says to treat others how you would want to be treated. That's a good start, but the Timicist also acknowledges the shortcomings of this rule. For example, what if you're a masochist? Then you probably shouldn't treat others to the beatings you enjoy. So, the Timicist will respect others' right to define harm for themselves. I acknowledge that this, too, falls short, especially in cases where personal definitions of harm collide or when harm to one person or thing benefits many others.

The Timicist acknowledges that we all have different definitions of what is "harmful." For now, I will leave this up to each individual. Each Timicist should have a consistent and fair definition of harm that acknowledges and respects all people and living things, including the environment. Still not a foolproof rule, but it will have to do for now.

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Love

Choose love and its many physical manifestations, including cuddling, hugging, stroking, petting, snuggling, nuzzling, touching and rubbing.

Almost every religion focuses on love. That's important to the Timicist as well, but in Timicism we focus more on the physical aspect of love. The ideal Timicist world is one where everyone has a special someone to touch and be touched.

Timicists value physical affection. Touching another being (be it a lover, family member, friend, or pet) is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and you should always appreciate it and not take it for granted. Always remember, of all the people in the world, this person (or thing) chose you to share this experience with. This appreciation applies to all forms of physical intimacy, but especially to sex.

Timicists dig sex. And it gets too much of a bad rap in our purityrranical* society. There's something wrong with a society that sends the message, 'Sex is dirty and evil. Share it with someone you love.' "

You could say that the "culture wars" in the United States are waged between those who fear violence and those who fear sex. It's interesting to me that sex and violence are both considered "indecent," even though they are opposites. One creates life and the other destroys it. One is positive, one is negative. One is the result of love, the other is the result of hate. (Not always, but in general.)

Timicists are lovers and not fighters. The Timicist dreams of a world where, instead of bashing your neighbor's head in, you give them an orgasm. Or a hug, depending on what you're most comfortable with.

*Yes, I made up that word.
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Bonus Tenet

Balance

Stay balanced. Live your life in moderation and don't indulge one principle at the expense of others.

Whether it's your gait, how you spend your time, or dealing with competing tenets in your life, balance is essential. Nothing is good for you if you do it too much at the expense of everything else.

Each of us has his own measure of what's important and what's not, but balance is the thing that keeps your life in perspective. Keeps you from falling over, both physically and metaphorically.

Timicist Metaphysics

2009-09-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

So how does the nature of the world look through a Timicist lense? Is there a God? What happens when we die? Will there be chocolate there?

Here's where Timicism stands on the following topics:

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God

The Timicist is first and foremost agnostic. I'm not an atheist, because I can't say definitively that there is no God. That would be a proclamation I don't feel I'm qualified to make. There's enough stuff we don't understand to leave room for the possibility that there are higher beings that our tiny little human brains can't fathom.

However, the Timicist lives his life, essentially, as an atheist. I don't let the possible existence of a higher being influence my outlook or actions in this world.

If there is a God, this is what it would look like to the Timicist.

The Timicist God is NOT:

... anthropomorphic. That is, it does not look or act like humans.
... a benefactor, protector, or genie who exists to grant us wishes.
... susceptible to human emotions and motivations.
... watching over you and interfering in world events.
... engaging in a power struggles for human souls.

The Timicist God is is a force, an atmosphere, an energy and links all living things together. We are all part of it and it is part of all of us. It is something that we can tap into, some more than others, on those occasions when we feel an overwhelming sense of love, joy, or peace.

There are times when I think I am tapping into this energy. When I listen to REM's "Night Swimming" and the hair on the back of my neck stands up, for example. Sometimes my cat will sit on my lap and purr and look at me with such a look of contentment that I'm overwhelmed with a sense of love for this stupid little creature. It is at these times that I think, "If there is a God at all, then it is in my cat right now."

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Death

Timicism has no clear answers to what happens to us after we die. Since no one has ever come back to tell us about it (and proved it), it's impossible to know. It could be that we become a part of this great energy that surrounds us all, a part of God. Or it could be that nothing happens, that we simply cease to feel or think and that's the end of our existence (AKA the Big Dirt Nap.) Maybe what happens to us is such a mystery that we have to invent places like heaven and hell in order to relate to it on human terms.

But the most favored Timicist theory, the idea that would be most appealing to me, is that of reincarnation. I like the idea that I'll get to live again, but in a different body with a different mind and in a different environment. Maybe even on a different planet. My experiences growing up playing all kinds of video and computer games has contributed to this mindset. In all of those games, you can die an unlimited number of times, yet you always get another chance at a new beginning. I like the idea of getting to play the game again.

I don't have any proof that there's reincarnation. And I certainly wouldn't make any life decisions based on it. But I don't have any proof against it, either, which still allows for the possibility that I may get to play another game of life after I die. And even if it's just superstition, it's a harmless and comforting thought.

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Fate & Free Will

The Timicist is a strong believer in luck. Obviously, there are smart decisions you can make to increase your luck and bad decisions that decrease it. But in the end, a whole lot of life is one big crap shoot.
When people pray to God and ask for things like good weather, a healthy baby, or success for their favorite sports team, what they're really doing is asking Fate to favor them. So I often use the word Fate where other people might say "God." Where you say "grace of God," I say "luck of Fate." The difference is that Fate is not sentient. It doesn't think or know what it's doing, and it's not doing you any favors on purpose.

Whenever I look at a situation, I love to play the "What If?" game. We all do. I imagine how things could have turned out differently. "If only I had seen that stick in the road, I could have avoided the accident." But I didn't. And of all the possible ways things could have turned out, there's only one possible way things did turn out. That's Fate. There's no possible way to know if the huge and complex interactions between everything in the universe could have produced a different result, because there's only one result it did produce.

I do entertain the possibility that we have no, or very little, free will. I grew up in a scientific culture that's always looking for explanations. We debate whether nature or nurture, heredity or environment, make us the person we are. And we constantly try to understand where people are coming from, why they behave the way they do. I think these are very valuable things to know about ourselves, but if you take this kind of thinking to its logical extreme, it leads to a lack of free will. If we can explain why people are the way the are, and if we truly knew every minute detail of how a person functioned (we're currently a long way away from this), we should be able to predict how they would behave in a given situation, assuming we could analyze the millions of variables that go into it.

So I don't know if I have free will or not. I certainly do believe that there are forces at work on us that we don't know about or understand, and they have a huge influence on how we behave. And when you mix that up with all the other (random?) events that happen in the universe, this is what the Timicist calls Fate.

This theory of no free will is not a license to act irresponsibly and give up on life. Even if the decisions we make are ultimately driven by other forces, it's important that we have the illusion of free will. Perhaps it's even a necessary component of our incredibly huge brains. (See below.)

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Biology & Science

I used to tell people, before I invented Timicism, that my religion was Science. I believe there is a certain order to the world, that everything in the universe obeys certain laws of behavior, and I call that order Science. Of course, Science doesn't know everything, and sometimes our scientific conclusions turn out to be wrong. Because Science comes from people, and people are fallible, a lot of what we conclude from it could prove to be wrong one day. But that's what I like about it.

More important than the conclusions of Science are its methods. Science insists that we develop, test, modify and prove or disprove hypotheses. Because of this, I put much more "faith" that Science will get at the truth much more reliably than organized religion, which tends to be pretty stubborn about change. This is what I mean when I say that Science is my religion. I choose to put my "faith" in Science, in the laws of the universe, rather than in an unprovable and untestable supreme being.

With my reliance on Science, I believe all human behavior can be reduced to biology. We are just animals with (relatively) huge brains, which makes us infinitely more complex than the other animals we share the planet with. Our huge brains are what separates us from the others: what inspires us to art, religion, laughter, speech, abstract thought. Our brains were originally an evolutionary survival tool, but now we are so complex that we often lose sight of the biological forces that act upon us.

As far as how Science & biology interact with God, death and fate, I don't think they are mutually exclusive. There's enough wiggle room in Timicist theology for them all to work together. I just haven't decided yet if God is a part of Science or if Science is a part of God, or if it even matters.

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Superstition

The Timicist has a few superstitions that he recognizes as (mostly) harmless. One of them is reincarnation (see above.) Here are some others.

Signs: Timicism, as you may have gathered by now, is a religion for indecisives. I don't like to jump to conclusions and like to take my time in making decisions. Often I don't like to make decisions at all. That's why I am eager to let anything I perceive as a sign decide things for me. I will often let random events decide things for me. For example, I once let the outcome of a basketball game decide for me if I was going to ask a girl out. (My team won, so I asked her out-- we ended up dating for two years.) Of course, you could argue that I probably wait until I receive a sign that favors the decision I would have made anyway, and you probably would be right. But it's more fun to call it a sign than to say all that other stuff.

Karma: Another Timicist superstition is that of karma. While the idea of a cosmic moral bank account is important to the Timicist, the part where we are rewarded or punished based on our balance is just a superstition. It's fun to believe that maybe, when good things happen, I'm being rewarded for something positive that I've done. But this can be a dangerous superstition if it leads to the mindset that people always get what they deserve.

The Universe is Screwing With Me: Another Timicist superstition is the view that there is some grand plan, that God or the Universe or Fate has a plan for me and events often conspire to teach me a lesson or throw me a rope. I don't really believe these things are true, but sometimes it's fun to think them.

Jinxes: If you want to insure that something will never happen, think and talk about it a lot. If there's something you really want, just spend all your time obsessing about it; it will surely never come true. Whatever scenario you act out in your head for any given situation, the reality will always be different. If you plan for something, it won't happen, or not like you planned it. This goes for positive and negative scenarios. If your overactive imagination plans for the worst-case scenario, it won't happen, either. Misfortune, just like fortune, sneaks up on you. [Update: I have revised my position on this. Read about it here.]

A corollary to this superstition is the key to Timicist Happiness: Always to keep your expectations low. Don't go into new situations with preconceived notions of how it will be, because if it doesn't live up to your expectations, you will be disappointed. As one wise person once pointed out to me, "Expectations are the devil's highway." I firmly believe that the best times are never planned. They happen spontaneously when you least expect them. The secret to happiness is to be in the right place at the right time, and to recognize it as such. Actually, this isn't a superstition, but something I really believe.

Borrowings

2009-09-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

Timicism is not above borrowing words and concepts from other religions when it finds something that it likes. There's tons of great theological stuff out there-- why recreate the wheel?

Think of Timicism as a religion potluck. The following religions have brought their own covered dish:

Christianity
Judaism
Buddhism
Islam
Hinduism
Deism
Scientology
Taoism
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

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from Christianity

Timicism adopts the Christian ideals of equality and forgiveness. In theory, Christianity accepts all people regardless of who they are or what they've done. And the Golden Rule ("Treat people how you want to be treated") is a great way to live your life according to the Timicist tenet of Harmlessness. Jesus' basic message of peace and love and goodwill towards all people, no matter their station, is something the Timicist can get behind.

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from Judaism

Jews have something called a mitzvah, which is a good deed that brings you closer to God, like the opposite of a sin. Timicism incorporates mitzvahs, too. In Judaism, for example, it's a mitzvah for a man to sexually pleasure his wife. This is definitely something we want to adopt. Timicism takes it a step further, so that it is a mitzvah to give anyone an orgasm. Other Timicist mitzvahs include making someone laugh, admitting you're wrong, and giving back rubs.

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from Buddhism

Timicism and Buddhism share a lot of the same core values (tolerance, compassion, finding the path to enlightenment yourself), but one specific idea that Timicism takes from Buddhism is that the root of all human suffering is desire. When we get too wrapped up in our own personal wishes and desires, too attached to the "self", we set ourselves up to be unhappy. I agree with that. Timicism also recognizes and respects the Buddhist interconnectedness of all living things.

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from Islam

There are two things that Timicism takes from Islam. The first is the word "jihad," a term often used to denote a holy war that we tend to associate with terrorists. The word actually refers to a sort of inner struggle. In order to take this word away from the terrorists, I propose that we all start using it all the time in our everyday lives. Examples:

"Let's declare a jihad on illiteracy."
"I'm so hungry, I'm going to seriously jihad on that pizza."
"It's been a real jihad getting that sweater vest on my cat."

Using this word in this way will also be a good exercise in practicing the third principle of Timicism, Humor and not taking yourself too seriously.

The other thing that Timicism takes from Islam is the idea of fasting. I think fasting is a good way for people to cleanse themselves and to learn to appreciate nourishment all the more, especially for people who have never known true hunger in their lives. Although there are no official Timicist holidays that include fasting, it is encouraged whenever the spirit strikes you. Try to go a whole day without eating just to see what it's like.

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from Hinduism

There are two things that Timicism takes from Hinduism: karma and reincarnation.

Timicism uses a modified form of karma that keeps track of all your good and bad actions, like some kind of cosmic bank account. In order to lead a Harmless life, it's important to keep your moral bank account in the black. But it's not a Timicist belief that this bank account necessarily has any bearing on what happens to you. Because if you expect that people always get what they deserve, you're in for some major disappointment in this life.

So maybe it's better to refer to karma as a Timicist superstition: something that's fun to believe in. And good karma (keeping a positive balance on your cosmic bank account) is something that every Timicist should strive for, regardless of the consequences.

Another Timicist superstition is reincarnation. As a Timicist, I don't profess to know what happens after we die. But what I'd like to believe, what's most fun to believe, is that we get to live all over again. You can read more about this on the Timicist Metaphysics page.

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from Deism

Timicism is very much in line with Deism. Specifically, the view that God does not actively interfere in human events. God is nature and reason.

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from Scientology

Timicism would very much like to adopt Scientology's income stream. But I can't support the methods they use to generate it. Keeping parts of your theology a secret so you can extort money from people as they get more and more into it would definitely violate the Timicist principle of Harmlessness. Not to mention the Truth Tenets: Self and Fairness.

One encouraging thing about Scientology, though, is that it's an example of how you can create a religion-- even a complicated theology-- from whole cloth, and get people to buy into it. In this way it serves as an inspiration to Timicism.

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from Taoism

Taoism gives Timicism the idea of yin and yang. I've always loved this concept, and throughout my life when I've seen the symbol I've intuitively understood it to represent opposing forces working together to bring about balance. But until I sat down to write this, I never thought about how to put that into words. There's no quick and simplistic way to write about it.

So I will just leave the picture here and let it speak about balance.

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from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, also known as the pastafarians, obviously brings spaghetti to the Timicism potluck. This theology also reminds us to be fair when considering different creation myths. When you get too deep into specifics, no religion has a monopoly on the Truth. If you accept one ridiculous story with no evidence as real, you have to consider others that are equally ridiculous.

Also the phrase "His Noodly Appendage" is a great practice of Timicist Humor.

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If you have any other suggestions of religions and/or religious concepts that you feel reflect the values of Timicism, please let me know. I'm always open to suggestions.

Timicism Vs. Christianity

2009-09-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

Or: Why I Am Not a Christian

Dislcaimer #1: This page refers to a certain, some may say extreme, understanding of Christianity. I acknowledge that not all Christians are the same, that there is a huge variety of beliefs and practices among them, and that no one brand should be used to represent all of them. This page explains why I, personally, am not a Christian. I have nothing against people who find spirituality and fulfillment from the teachings of Jesus, per se. Really, some of my best friends are Christian.

Disclaimer #2:The following objections are not necessarily specific to Christianity, but apply to organized and dogmatic religion in general. I use Christianity as the sample because it's the one I know best. I was raised Christian, I live in a predominantly Christian country, and I am surrounded by Christians. But it is not my point to say that Christianity is any more, or less, deserving of criticism than any other organized religion.

I grew up in steeped in a major devout religious tradition. As a boy I went to mass every Sunday and attended Catholic school for six years. I've read the Bible and feared Satan. I used to wonder how anyone could possibly not believe in God. Then I grew up.

So why did I feel the need to create Timicism? Why didn't I stick with the religion I was given?

Here's why.

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There are some really great things about Christianity. In theory, one would have to wonder how anyone could not choose to be part of a philosophy of love, forgiveness, humility and equality. But theory and practice often don't work well together, and I see Christianity, as it is frequently practiced, as an excellent example of this.

The short answer to why I'm not a Christian is Christians themselves. When I look at what's being done and said in the name of "The Lord" I see Christianity as a club I don't want to join. I've spent my life battling the hypocrisy, arrogance, hate, oppression, and materialistic self-interest from people who claim to follow Jesus. People who violate all the tenets of Timicism: accept doctrine without question, are not fair or consistent in their thinking, take themselves too seriously, do much harm, and choose violence over love. If these are the people who Jesus chooses to represent him, then he's not the God for me.

My theological objections to Christianity fall into four categories: God, Jesus, The Bible, and Prayer. The following is just the barest outlines of my complaints.

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God

As I stated in the Metaphysics chapter, I don't believe in an anthropomorphic God-- one who has human characteristics. It doesn't make sense to me that a "perfect" creator of the entire universe would be made in our image. The Bible is full of God's love, wrath, sacrifice, grace, vengeance, forgiveness, etc. These are all human qualities and experiences, which make him out to be a character in a human drama. A perfect God would not have human conflicts and motivations. Christians scorn the old Roman and Greek myths with their multiple gods who quibble and jockey for power. But really, how is the God of the old testament any different, aside from the fact that he lives alone with his son and a wisp of smoke?

They say that God created humans in his own image. Considering all the possibilities of the universe, that seems pretty arrogant and unimaginative. As Carl Sagan pointed out in Cosmos, if we're the only intelligent life in the universe, what an incredible waste of space. What makes us think that we're so special as to be God's favorite? That he created everything just for our benefit?

This view made sense when you consider where it came from. Thousands of years ago, people couldn't really conceive of a world much beyond their own region, not to mention the entire planet. For them, it made sense that they would be the center of the universe, because their "universe" was so small. Today, we know better. The notion of God being a kind of super human is outdated.

And when you evaluate the God of the Bible as a human, he's not even a very decent one. He's a bully with a lot of issues of control, revenge, anger, and a sick sense of loyalty. If a human king were to act that way, he'd be a tyrant. Demanding that a subject kill his son in order to test his loyalty? That's no king I would vote for, as Michael Palin would say.

Intellectual Christians will often say that God wants us to use our brains (the brains that God supposedly gave us) to think logically about the viability of Christian theology, and not to just accept it without evidence. Aside from the fact that that totally contradicts the whole idea of faith, this makes God like some professor who claims to want honest dialogue, but in the end, if you don't agree with him, if you don't reach the "right" conclusion, you'll get a bad grade. People don't learn under threat of coercion like that.

For a humorous spin on this, see God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

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Jesus

I believe in Jesus. I believe in him the same way I believe in the Buddha, Charles Darwin, Susan B. Anthony, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Albus Dumbledore. All revolutionaries who had new and profound ideas and/or challenged the unjust system of their day. I appreciate Jesus' message and think the world would be a lot better off if more people followed his example. But I don't believe that he was the literal Son of God, and I don't believe he had a monopoly on righteousness.

Christians will tell you the only thing you need in order to be "saved" is to believe that Jesus was literally the Son of God; that he is the only path to God. My response to that is: Why? Why does it matter whether or not I accept Jesus' divinity? Let's assume that I agree with Jesus' basic message and try to be more like him. Why does it matter if I buy the theology or not? What does God, or Jesus, or the world for that matter, gain by my believing this one point?

Many conservative Christians I know would have nothing to do with Jesus, a brown Jew from North Africa, if they met him in person. He challenged authority. He stood up for the little guy. He preached love and forgiveness. He fought against The Man. Let's face it: he was a hippie. A foreigner. A socialist. He was an egalitarian in a strictly hierarchical society. He dared to treat beggars, sinners, and women as human beings.

It's so ironic to me that the people who throw Jesus' name around the most tend to be the same people who don't get what he was about. Within a highly rigid, authoritarian society, he preached compassion over rules. He emphasized the spirit of the law over the letter of the law. And now modern Christians have taken his message and done exactly what he preached against: focusing on obsolete rules rather than on compassion. They do everything they can to hold on to their power and protect their own interests. Oppress minorities. Persecute the weak. Wage war. They have become the very hypocrites that Jesus was trying to reform.
From The Onion: Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion Clinic Attack.

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The Bible

Too many Christians take the Bible way too seriously. It has some good parts, but for every piece of real wisdom in the Bible, there's ten times the amount of stupid, irrelevant, contradictory, outdated, weird bullshit. People who would never think of reading the tax code or an unedited captain's log of a 17th-century Japanese sailor base their entire lives on this equally byzantine, tedious, and eclectic collection of writings. But Christians assert that the Bible is the infallible and eternal Word of God, so let's examine that premise.

If the Word of God is infallible and eternal, then what's the deal with all those Old Testament rules? The ones about not eating pork and stoning your neighbors and not wearing clothing with two kinds of fibers? Why do Christians (the ones I know, at least) eat pork? The answer, of course, is that Jesus came along and wiped the slate clean. He said all those rules were a lot of hooey.

Okay, fair enough. So then why is it still in the Bible? Why is it still considered the Word of God? Is the Word of God wrong? But that can't be, because the Word of God is eternal and infallible.

The Bible was put together, compiled and edited, around the 4th century, A.D. So where's God been since then? He hasn't had any new Words for us in 16 centuries? Are we to believe that God inspired all those thousands of pages of Words and then hasn't published anything since then? Is he a recluse like J.D. Salinger or what?

If you're familiar at all with urban legends, you will quickly see how many "absolutely true!!!" stories you've heard in your life are complete fabrications. We live in a scientific age where people are generally skeptical of bullshit, and we still get suckered by urban legends. Even I do, and I look out for them. It's human nature to make shit up, and it's human nature to believe it. That's why we need Science-- a systematic way to observe and test the truth that doesn't merely depend on people's faulty memories or perceptions.

The events of the Bible happened 2,000+ years ago, when people didn't have these hangups about scientific accuracy. They aren't even urban legends, they're just legends. And the Jesus stories weren't written down until at least 40 years after his death. Forty years? Seriously? You ever play a game of "telephone?" Imagine forty years of that!

If the Bible really is the eternal and infallible Word of God, then why can't people even agree on its message? Christians argue about the Bible all the time: what certain passages mean, what God is really saying. I would think that if God really wanted you to know something, he'd be clearer. Why would he make his message so inscrutable? You'd think that God, the Omnipotent Creator of All Heaven and Earth, would be a better communicator.

It reminds me of the shows I've seen about ghosts, UFOs, Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Ever notice how there's never a clear, unambiguous picture of them? It's always grainy, blurred, or fuzzy. The evidence is always weak and left up to interpretation. I think if the Bible were truly written by God, its meaning wouldn't be so murky and ambiguous. You'd know exactly what God wanted.

Perhaps these sentiments can be best summed up by an article I read in the Onion titled Mistranslated Myths Of Nomadic Desert Shephard Tribe Taken At Face Value.

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Prayer

Prayer as a form of meditation is fine. If you are praying in order to center yourself, get in touch with a higher plane, empty your mind, or feel the presence of God, I'm all for it.

But when people start using prayer to ask God for special favors, I get annoyed. If God really intervenes to help someone's team win a game, find them a mate, or keep all their family and friends healthy and happy, then I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off because God's playing favorites, and random favorites at that, because there are tons of people who pray and their lives are still affected by illness and misfortune.

When I was a kid, we used to say prayers at bedtime, asking God to bless specific people or family members in general. I always had a real hard time drawing the line at who should get included in my prayers. It didn't seem fair that only those people who knew me, and therefore were included in my prayer, should get blessed. My prayers would start off asking God to protect my parents and brothers and sisters, then my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, then friends and acquaintances, then everyone that I know, and by the time I was finished, I would be asking God to bless everyone in the world. Even then, I sensed that it didn't seem right that I should ask God to favor some people over others.

I understand the psychological appeal of believing that there is a supreme being who's going to protect you and look out for your best interests. The problem is that sometimes your best interests are at the expense of someone or something else. This kind of thinking is fine if you live in a world where other people and groups are outside the scope of your God. But when you believe in one God who created the entire world, you have to acknowledge that he should be there for everyone, not just you. The mindset that God is looking after your best interests at the expense of other people is selfish and immature. God is there for the whole world-- he has no business blessing America.

So in the Timicist framework, prayer as a request for good fortune is considered a superstition. I still do it. Not consciously, but I do often wish for good fortune. I see it as an appeal to Fate, which sometimes blesses me and sometimes doesn't. I try to appreciate the blessings and learn from the misfortunes. But I'm not arrogant enough to think I deserve good fortune just because my imaginary friend is better than yours.

What does the Onion say about prayer? God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: 'No,' Says God

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Holidays

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Timicists love holidays. As a Timicist, you don't have to give up any of your other traditional religious or secular celebrations. But you can now add the following celebrations to your repertoire. And remember, as a Timicist, you can choose to observe these holidays to the extreme that you're most comfortable with. Follow the spirit of the holiday rather than the letter of it.

Timicism is always looking for suggestions, so if you have a great idea for a holiday, post it here.

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Day of Reflection
January 1

This is a day when the Timicist looks at his life over the past year to reflect on all the new experiences he had, the things he learned, the people he met, the relationships he forged, and just takes a moment to assess the year as a whole. This is a pretty subtle holiday, with no real rituals or celebrations, just quiet reflection.

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Surprise Day
Sometime in February (floating holiday)

February is the most depressing month. Although it's technically the shortest one, the end of winter seems to drag on forever, with no end in sight. You're ready for spring already. In the meantime, liven up your life with a surprise.

This is a day when you do something nice for someone special in your life. Buy them a gift, cook them dinner, paint their garage. Whatever you feel like doing. But it has to be a surprise. Pick any day in February and make it happen. Shout, "Happy Surprise Day!"

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The Ides of March
March 15

A combination of Valentine's Day and Groundhog Day. Timicist lovers will drink Kahlua & Cream and make out on the couch/futon.

If your relationship casts a shadow, you only have six more days together. If not, you renew your relationship for another year and acknowledge the anniversary of Julius Caesar's assassination. In the case of a relationship shadow, you have six days to think of all the nasty breakup things to tell your lover on Chest Day (see below.)

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(Get-It-Off-Your) Chest Day
March 21

This is the vernal equinox, the day when the sunrise and sunset is approximately the same all around the world. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the first day of Spring. This is a day of renewal, of rebirth, of shaking things up. So the Timicist celebrates this with Chest Day.

This is a day when you get things off your chest. If there's anything you've wanted to tell someone for a long time, but just didn't have the nerve, today is the day. Gay children come out to their parents, lovers admit to infidelities, you finally ask your boss to stop calling you "asswipe" in front of the other workers. The idea is that, by bringing these issues up, you will be able to start a meaningful dialog about them that will lead to a better understanding between you and those around you.

And it doesn't have to be confrontational. You could use this day to reveal a longtime crush on a friend, or to tell someone close to you how important they are to you. The point is that you let things out and stir things up.

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April Honest Day
April 5

In response to that other April holiday where people take great joy in lying to, and making fools of, the people they love, this is a holiday dedicated to NOT making up stupid shit.

On this day you are encouraged to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

For more background on this holiday, see this Timblog post.

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Unpluggathon
May 1

My brother Dan came up with the inspiration for this one. For one entire day, from midnight to midnight, you are not allowed to use any electricity or modern battery-powered or gas-powered machinery. Lights, television, heating, fans, computers, refrigerators, freezers, cars, life-support systems (okay, life-support is the exception) are all verboten. (Regarding refrigerators: you don't have to turn them off, but you can't "use" them in the sense of getting something out of it.)
On this holiday, reading and storytelling are encouraged. Timicists are encouraged to get together with family and friends, grill over a open fire, drink some beers (no electricity needed for beer!), tell stories and talk about how much they'd really rather be watching TV. This holiday is meant for us to confront our dependence on electricity and consider the fact that 99% of the history of humankind occurred without any electricity whatsoever.

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Outside Day
June 21

From sunrise to sunset, you are not allowed to be inside a dwelling (house, apartment, office, building, etc.) You have to go outside and be there all day long. It doesn't matter what you do: play a sport, take a walk, fly a kite, barbecue, swim, sunbathe. The point is to get your fat ass out of the house and enjoy the world outside of four walls.

In addition to being outside, you are not allowed to watch TV, use a phone, listen to a radio, or engage in any typical activity that you do inside a house. You can use your car to get to where you want to go, but driving all day in a car doesn't count as being outside. Using inside plumbing is also allowed, as long as you don't spend all day there.

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Harmless Whim Day
June 28

On this day, Timicists are encouraged to indulge in any trivial vice, as long as it doesn't harm others. Eat fatty foods, smoke, drink, nap, watch bad TV, read trashy novels, break dance, whatever. The point is to enjoy yourself without guilt and/or shame.

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Clavicalia
Aug 1 - Sept 15

The month and a half that make up Clavicalia are set aside for the Timicist to take inventory of his body. Each day, pick a different part of your body and appreciate it. Admire its beauty, think about what it does for you, and where you would be without it. Your clavicle, your uvula, your phalanges, your spleen. (Your genitals only count for one day.) Don't take these things for granted.

This is also a period of your life where you try to restore some balance. If you're too involved in one thing, try to take some time off from it and reconnect with other people/interests.

Other holidays within Clavicalia:

Housewarming Day (August 15): Appreciate your home. Do something nice for it. Clean it, repair something, clear out the gutters, paint something. Dedicate the day to your house.

The end of Clavicalia, on September 15, is when we commemorate Blogston, the day when all seven chapters of the Book of Timicism 3.0 burst onto the Blog of Timicism in rapid succession, between 5:22 a.m. and 6:20 a.m. (although the content would not be made public for a few weeks after that.)

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Spawn of Santa Day
Sept 25
This is a day to celebrate life. Specifically, it seeks to acknowledge all of the children born exactly nine months after Christmas, but it's not limited only to them. It's basically just a day to go out and get drunk or do whatever it is that you do when you cut loose. Karaoke is encouraged.

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Pluggathon
November 5 (Or nearest convenient day)

Also known as Slugfest, Slothmas, Couch Potatotopia, and Slackerday, this holiday is intended for you to plant yourself on the couch, loveseat, or la-z-boy, and watch TV or videos until your eyes bleed.

Playing computer games all day is also acceptable. Timicists are discouraged from getting out of their pajamas or taking a shower. Only eat when you have to, and preferably, it should be leftovers. Minimal cooking is allowed on this day. This is a day for all of us to get in touch with our Inner Sloth. Also, it's a good excuse to finally sit down and watch those six movies you've been wanting to see but never have time for.

Strangely, this appears the be the holiday that Timicists have most consistently celebrated since its inception. For an example of what goes on, see this account of it.

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O-Fest & Abstentia
December 14 - 21/22

O-Fest is a day when all the Timicists of the world are to come together (literally) through simultaneous sex acts. Held near the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, all Timicists around the world should make a coordinated effort to be "doing it" at the same time. Preferably with a partner, but if none is available, you can still play the solitaire version. That time is:

Greenwich Mean Time, U.K. = 5:00 am, Dec 22
Eastern Standard Time, U.S. = Midnight, Dec 21/22
Central Standard Time, U.S. = 11:00 pm, Dec 21

And the corresponding time in all the other time zones around the world.

[No picture available.]

In order to make this celebration extra special, Timicists are to abstain from all sex acts for the week leading up to the O-Fest celebration.* This week is called Abstentia. This will enable you to enjoy and appreciate the experience, as well as the institution of sex, that much more. It's also a good time to reflect and appreciate your sex partner, toy, or appendage (whichever applies to you.)

* It has been brought to my attention that abstaining for sex for one whole week could go against the Harmlessness tenet of Timicism. So if going celibate for an entire week will cause you harm, then choose your own length of Abstentia.

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Timicist Proverbs

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Quotes that embody the spirit of Timicism:

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I believe that the desire to love and be loved is the strongest force on earth.

Joel Derfner

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The best science, like the best engineering, often comes from understanding not just how things are, but how else they could have been.

Gary Marcus

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Unanswered questions are far less dangerous than unquestioned answers.

Stenciled on a pencil at a UU church

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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

Jack Handey

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Humor is carbonated holiness.

Anne Lamott

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Sex is dirty. Share it with someone you love.

Marty Klein, explaining the Fear and Danger narrative in our country

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I don't want any grace that I didn't earn.

Timicist Proverb

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All you need is love.

John Lennon

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These Americans believed that one great male god ruled the world. Sometimes they divided him into three parts, which they called the father, son, and holy ghost. The ate crackers and wine or grape juice, believing that they were eating the son's body and drinking his blood. If they believed strongly enough, they would live on forever after they died.

James Loewen, illustrating how simplistic descriptions of Native American religions in American history textbooks sound.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

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Marge, you can save a lot more souls with roller skates and easy-bake ovens than you can with this two-thousand page sleeping pill. [Holding up a Bible.]

Reverend Lovejoy from The Simpsons

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Slavish obedience to a principle constitutes no choice at all. It seems to me that our intelligence is there precisely so that we can be flexible and adapt.

The Dalai Lama XIV

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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon

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All I'm asking for you do to
Is live by this simple creed I give to you
Just take five minutes out of your day
And rub somebody the right way

The Rugburns

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But Marge, TV gives so much and asks for so little in return.

Homer Simpson

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You never know when the greased pig of happiness will run squealing from your grasp.

Timicist Proverb

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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Jack Handey

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Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad... [he] gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.

Chef from South Park

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The only zen you find on the top of mountains is the zen you bring up there.

Robert Pirsig

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An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Gandhi

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Let's get it on.

Marvin Gaye

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Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.

Oscar Wilde

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My karma ran over my dogma.

Bumper Sticker

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You must just acknowledge deep in your heart of hearts that people are supposed to fuck. It is our main purpose in life, and all those other activities-- playing the trumpet, vacuuming carpets, reading mystery novels, eating chocolate mousse-- are just ways of passing the time until you can fuck again.

Cynthia Heimel

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If God hadn't meant us to masturbate, he'd have made our arms shorter.

George Carlin

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I don't want other people thinking for me.

Jimmy Buffett

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Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.

Anonymous

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If you think your life is a movie you'll be sorry as you can be

Garrison Keillor

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If God is not in my cat, then there is no God.

Timicist Proverb

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Join!

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If you would like to join the Timicist Movement, feel free to choose your own title. It's free and requires absolutely no commitment. Past titles have included:

Bishop of Blauwurst
First Minister of Sexual Healing
Master of Frickin Cookery
Holy Nunciate of the Sacred Bacon
Agnostic Referral Coordinator

Just add your own title in the comments section.

Also, you can "follow" this blog (and hence become a follower of Timicism) by clicking on the Follow link to the left and logging into your Google account.

Or just lurk in the background. Lurkers are welcome!